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My Sex Addiction


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I like to play a game where I reflect on my life and think if I can go back in time to my 15-year-old self, what advice would I give myself?  


Don't watch or masturbate to porn would be number one. Why?   


It's caused a 30-year addiction, which has devolved from regular porn to transgender porn and seeing sex workers.  


The fixation began in childhood. Compared to my friends and family, I felt I wasn't very good looking. I was awkward when talking to girls well into adulthood. My confidence was low. Porn was a comforting escape; it wouldn't deny me. It's always there.  


What has this dependency cost me? Thousands of dollars and time, lots of time. Sex addiction is isolation, shame, fear of living.


I've been seeing prostitutes for the last 3 plus years. Sometimes they'd be nice; other times, they just went through the motions. Sometimes they were waiting for me to leave. When I say they were nice, they would allow me to have unprotected sex with them(at times). I also ask them to do the same to me. They wouldn't watch the clock, I'd ask them for a massage, or I'd give one in return. It starts off wanting sex but ends with seeking intimacy, which is never there. Fears of catching an STD, STI, getting arrested, or hurt by going to a dangerous part of town in the middle of the night, never deterred the craving for the variety, danger, and orgasm. When the withdrawals begin, it wants to be satisfied and will do what it must. It hasn't been all bad, but I don't want to live like this forever.


I am actively working on conquering this compulsion and having some success. Listening to porn addiction podcasts, reading books on the subject matter have educated me. Therapy has helped as well, which I've been actively doing the last 2-3 years. Dating is something I'm beginning again, which is tough when paying for sex has been so easy.  


 I also consume lots of MGTOW content. Men Going Their Own Way. This mode of thinking discourages marriage and relationships due to the divorce rate and financial bankruptcy for men. That scares me. Being a child of divorced parents and witnessing a version of this first hand. I used this as an excuse to continue my sex addiction, but I ended up back in square one, longing for real connection—yearning for someone who wants me.  


I've been researching semen retention and the Karezza form of lovemaking. These ideas excite me and make me look forward to getting into a relationship with someone. I don't want kids or marriage but a girlfriend, maybe cohabitating. Transmutation is also of interest. The spreading of sexual energy and recycling it in other parts of my body.


Changing these bad habits into repeated positive actions is tough. It is the biggest challenge of my life. Failure will happen, but I will continue to push through.

Resources

Porn Reboot podcast https://player.fm/series/the-porn-reboot-podcast 

Mindful Habit podcast https://bit.ly/323LEoy 

Book on Karezza form of lovemaking and semen retention (affiliate link)-Cupid's Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson https://amzn.to/31YFKF6 

Previous podcast episodes on seeing escorts https://bit.ly/342V85W and my thoughts on MGTOW https://bit.ly/3h2ynCB 

Sexaholics Anonymous https://www.sa.org 

What is MGTOW? https://www.mgtow.com 

What is No Fap(semen retention)? https://nofap.com 


Thoughts?   Comments?   Do so below.

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